Through My Window Pain

As I stood at that same window the next morning, the excitement I used to feel was no longer there. Today was different. As I peered through the glass, the view only brought me past visions of painful memories. I closed my eyes and once again as I relived that moment, I felt the sharp pain as if a knife was being thrust into my chest. The pain I felt in my heart hurt so bad. I could barely breathe as I tried fighting back the tears. I remember the sudden pattering of water drops hitting the window's glass as the rain began pouring down outside. I remember thinking that the rainfall had not only begun to fall outside but also in my life. What used to be gentle winds was now replaced with torrential winds that blew with such force that I was unable to fight it off. My fingers ran across the glass as the window became steamed as my heart grew cold once again and all I saw before me was like shattered glass as my vision was blurred from those tears welling up in my eyes. What I saw outside that window that night broke my heart and the rejection I experienced changed my life completely.

We all have painful memories in our past of those times when our heart was wounded from rejection or terrible things that may have happened to us. For many of us, we had no idea how to stop the pain. As with my situation that I shared above, at age 15, I was rejected and hurt which caused me to question, “What's wrong with me?” I did not know how to deal with the pain and began turning to drugs, alcohol, premarital sex and whatever else I thought could help me stop feeling the pain. It helped for awhile until even those things let me down and could no longer suppress the painful memories I had and wanted desperately to go away.

After years of abuse that my mind and body suffered from this lifestyle, I had so much more hurt and pain that had just piled up and needed to be rid of. I realized that all I was doing was living in a dark prison of choice, constantly reliving my past and forgiveness was the only way of escape for me.

You see...I have a different window that I look through now. I no longer peer through my window of pain. My window is now a window of anticipation, where I wait on the Lord...my window of hope, where the Word of God speaks into my heart and my life. A window where I can view things differently, where I can destroy that spirit of rejection before it latches on to me. I guard my heart, for out of it comes the issues of life.

It is very important what we allow to enter into our hearts. We have the power to stop it. It is up to us what we allow ourselves to receive and what thoughts that we choose to cast down and out of our life. And it is very important to teach this to our children, because you see, the rejection and pain that I experienced at age 15, I had no idea how to deal with it. I allowed it's poison in and to spread throughout my being which led me to that path of destruction for my life.

As I stand “waiting at the window” today, well...all I can say is how powerful Forgiveness is. FORGIVENESS is all about taking care of the heart: "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life." (Proverbs 4:23) Whatever you allow in your heart, determines the course of your life. If you do not take care of your heart, instead of your life AFFECTING others in a good way, it will start INFECTING others in a bad way and begin destroying your own.

Some people believe that forgiveness has a price but believe me my friend, to NOT forgive will cost you so much more. We wonder sometimes how we are to forgive someone who has not shown any true remorse...but you see...Forgiveness comes from an open heart and without condition...or it doesn't come at all. We cannot wait to forgive when we FEEL like it because that feeling may never come. We must CHOOSE to forgive, for it breaks satan's power over us in that area and God's healing touch is free to move.

We achieve inner health only through forgiveness - the forgiveness of not only others but also of ourselves. Sometimes I find that the hardest person for me to forgive is myself. Having the ability to forgive is an admirable quality. Choose to forgive so the healing can begin and the pain can die. Be determined today that you are going to LIVE TO FORGIVE because I guarantee you friend, that you are going to be hurt many more times in life than you can imagine. Do your best to stay prepared!

Affirmation of Forgiveness: I Choose Peace...I Live Forgiven...I Forgive So That I May Live!

Connie J. Schmoll

If you are viewing this through email, come to "Waiting At The Window" website and listen to the video.

7 Times 70
by Chris August