Well…what I’m about to share, I’m sure it actually began way before this, but this moment I share here is when I could not deny that the prayer I prayed that night, God truly heard me and my life IN HIM began.
You know...it’s funny how God...or should I just say...the circumstances of life took me right back to the place where I feel the down spiral of my life began, But now has become the place where my life IN HIM began.
Rejection. As I think on this word, many hurtful memories flash through my mind. I start remembering certain things that happened in my life that caused me great pain all because of rejection.
I was fifteen when I experienced my first serious crush. At this age, we really think we know what love is, not realizing that we have so much more to learn in life in order to truly understand love. This guy was a little older than me. I was fifteen and he was twenty-two. I even remember the song we sang together that actually fit our life perfectly. “Don’t Cry Joni” - I really cared for him a lot. Although he told me many times that I was too young, (just as the song said) I was always invited to go places with him and his family. His parents even seemed to play a part in trying to get us together. His sister was my best friend so I was always hanging out at their home. THEN, the event happened that broke my heart. I was rejected by him and could not understand why. I returned everything to him that he ever gave me and I walked to the bridge (Willscreek Bridge) and cried my heart out. Little did I know that I had just entered the path of destruction for my life.
Rejection to me is like a very sharp poisonous dart that strikes you, piercing deep within your most inner being and slowly the poison spreads throughout every part of your body. How is one to stop that kind of pain? I sure didn’t know how to stop the pain that I was feeling at that time. This was one main event that I remember that I feel was what began the downward spiral of my life.
One thing I have found is that God will bring back past memories in your life for the purpose of revealing the events in life that caused you to harbor anger, hurt, unforgiveness, etc. that you need to be freed from and where healing needs to take place. Also much understanding will come at that time to show you why your life went the way it did. This was what happened to me.
I could see clearly now how this hurtful event that happened in my teen years where I experienced rejection, caused me to question what was wrong with me? And this is where I began to stop caring for myself and my body began to take harmful abuse from the worldly activities that I turned to like smoking, drinking, drugs and premarital sex.
I’ve come to realize that when a person engages in these types of things, they have come to a hurtful place in their life where they do not care about themselves because of some pain, rejection or abuse they have suffered in their life.
SO…now this brings us to the Christmas party at my sister’s house some years later. I got plastered. The drive home with mom was a hurtful one. I lived with her at this time in Willscreek. Christmas is a very special time for family and this year my dad was not with us. My parents had divorced after 27 years of marriage. I was hurting. We all were hurting. I, of course, was attempting to bury the pain through drinking but we all know that drinking always brings the true feelings out. I wanted Dad and Mom back together and I spoke my mind on the way home. I cried and got my mom crying. It was terrible. I felt bad for upsetting her.
After we arrived home, I grabbed my bottle of whiskey and headed for…..yep, you guessed it….the Willscreek Bridge (you know…the one right next to the general store). I felt so bad. I didn’t want to keep hurting my mom. You never realize how much pain you are causing your parents until you become one yourself and realize that depth of love that is embedded inside of you for another human being…your child.
So here I stood on that bridge for what seemed like hours and watched the rippling waves below rush past into nothingness. As I began to think back on all the countless life patterns of rejection I encountered in my life, I knew this was exactly how I was beginning to see my life – like these waters just rushing past into nothingness. I threw the half-empty bottle into the waters and fell to my knees and began to cry, pouring my heart out, wondering if God was really there and did he hear me? All those past painful memories weighed heavily on my heart. I was so sick of the way my life was and I was tired of hurting the people I love. I knew I needed help and this was when I cried out, “God, Please Help Me!” I sat there in the darkness for along time then stood up, walked home and went to bed. Little did I know that the time spent on that bridge that night was the beginning of a new life for me.
Thank God....26 years later, He is still a GOD who hears and listens and cares and knows us intimately and knows what we need!
I just think it is so awesome of God...that He can take you right back to where the wrong turn happened in your life and is able to show you how to fix it. It is then up to you.....the choices you make after that. Will you keep on going down that road of destruction or will you CHOOSE LIFE....in HIM. I am SO GLAD I CHOSE HIM!
No comments:
Post a Comment